


all my beliefs rusting over

by wildewallflower



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, modern daemons au, my bbs being together and happy, soft clexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7028089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildewallflower/pseuds/wildewallflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>‘how the world would make a fool of a believer, i was a believer once before’ </em>
</p><p>wherein everyone is a little sad but nothing hurts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all my beliefs rusting over

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hope is the Thing with Feathers (That Perches in the Soul)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6603100) by [LetTheWookieWin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetTheWookieWin/pseuds/LetTheWookieWin). 



 

Daemons sometimes reflect people. In some cases, they show the innermost parts they want to keep hidden. Others are projections of their wants and desires, what they want to be, _how_ they want to be.

 

Lexa’s always been convinced that Caelum shows how she truly is, without the restraint and self-control she’s always practicing. Caelum is careless, often callous with her remarks and rather confrontational when she decides the situation calls for it.

 

Caelum tells her things she’s thinking before Lexa has even processed them.  How their boss is a jerk (I know you want to kick his ass, you could do it too), how her work suit bothers her (You can literally feel the distress radiating off you, Lexa) and how that last guy should have been fired two months ago (He should not have been hired).

 

‘I met another daemon. You two are so much alike it’s scary.’

 

Caelum is perched on her computer screen, ogling with her knowing eyes. ‘You’re intrigued.’  

 

‘Well, you’re blocking the report I’m writing. I say I have no choice in the matter.’ Lexa tilts her head and smirks at Caelum. ‘Go on, tell me about this daemon.’

 

‘Well, Silva’s new in the building. I met him four days ago. Very grumpy, likes to pretend he’s stoic but I could tell he’s a giant softy.’ Caelum walks across her desk with her small talons. ‘Exactly like you.’

 

‘That is not convincing evidence, Cal.’ Lexa ruffles her feathers and Caelum tries to push her off with her wings.

 

‘You should meet him. He’s coming to visit me later.’ Caelum flies away and settles on the window sill.

 

‘He’s coming with his human?’

 

‘No, they’re untethered. His human is very busy so it’ll just be him coming.’

 

That stops Lexa for a moment. She has not met anyone else untethered before.

 

Daemons existed by random chance. Before, a majority of people had them. However, as years went by, some people found them burdensome and choose to have their daemons forcefully removed. Most people survive the procedure, with their body and minds intact.

 

Sometimes, the daemons survive but often they do not.

 

Often, people survive but sometimes they do not.

 

Another way of separation is through emotional or physical trauma, which is not voluntary, unlike the medical intercision.  

 

Since she and Caelum were separated, there is a hollow feeling within her chest, something that has never gone away, something that only feels half full even when Caelum is right next to her.

 

‘Lexa? Are you okay?’

 

‘How did the intercision happen?’ Lexa is curious how they survived the separation when _Costia couldn’t—_

 

Caelum flies on top of Lexa’s head, something she does when Lexa thinks of anything she deems ridiculous. ‘Would you be able to answer that if I asked you?’

 

Lexa carefully shakes her head, making sure Caelum stays steady.

 

‘There you go.’ Caelum softly pats her head with a talon. ‘I mean, Clarke probably would tell you, if she feels she can trust you.’

 

‘Clarke?’

 

‘That’s the name of Silva’s human. She’s just started working here.’

 

Lexa smiles because she hears the shift in Caelum’s voice and how her wing can’t settle on her sides. ‘You like this Clarke person.’ Lexa is almost accusatory since Caelum rarely likes people.

 

‘Well, duh. When you meet her, you’ll know what I mean.’

 

***

 

Silva is majestic. He’s quiet and brooding and quite large, nearly scaring Lexa when she opens the door. She starts to panic at the panther’s appearance in her office but she relaxes when Caelum flies and lands on top Silva’s head.  

 

‘Silva, this is my human. Lexa, this is my friend, Silva.’

 

Silva’s soft growl acknowledges Lexa’s presence. Lexa settles back into her desk and watches the two interact, Caelum talks animatedly while Silva lays on her floor, eyeing her with much interest.

 

‘Clarke didn’t think you were real.’  

 

It takes Lexa a few seconds to realise that Silva is talking to her. She clears her throat loudly. ‘I’m sorry?’

 

‘Clarke thought that perhaps owls could talk and that Caelum escaped from a petting zoo somewhere.’ Silva focuses his eyes on Lexa and she can’t help but stare back. She’s also terrified to look away.

 

‘Hey, I’m right here!’ Caelum taps her talon angrily on Lexa’s desk. ‘I’m loads better than stinking parrots!’

 

‘I don’t know Cal, parrots know how to listen.’

 

‘That’s what I told Clarke.’ There is amusement in Silva’s voice and that assures Lexa she will not be eaten by the gigantic cat lounging on her office’s floor.

 

Caelum starts to say something but she’s interrupted by a knock.

 

‘Please come in.’ Lexa calls out, wondering who it could be. She does not have anyone in her schedule for the day.

 

‘I’m sorry, I was told my daemon would be—’ the woman stops talking when she sees Silva on the floor. ‘There you are. I was worried.’

 

‘You thought she was taking me to the zoo right?’ Silva gets up and brushes his face against the blonde woman’s hand.

 

‘Not at all.’ She sees Caelum on Lexa’s desk and her worried eyes betray her reply. ‘Okay, I did. A little bit. I just didn’t think there would be another daemon in this office.’

 

‘That breaks my tiny heart, Clarke.’ Caelum flies onto Lexa’s lap and Lexa ruffles her feathers, something she does whenever Caelum’s close.

 

‘You would have done it as a joke, Cal, be honest.’

 

‘I can’t believe I’m being attacked on three fronts.’ Caelum huffed and puffed her feathers against Lexa’s hand.

 

The blonde woman, Clarke, sighs loudly at the statement then focuses her eyes on Lexa. ‘I don’t think we’ve been introduced, I’m Clarke.’ She stretches out her hand to Lexa.

 

Lexa stands carefully, tries not to let Caelum fall from her lap and takes Clarke’s hand. ‘My name’s Lexa.’

 

‘I figured. Caelum has not stopped talking about you.’

 

Lexa stares at her, another person who has experienced intercision and survived. She’s looking for a sign, anything but all she gets is Clarke’s tight lipped smile and waves of sadness coming off her.

 

Clarke must have felt her prying because suddenly her guard is up and Silva is by her side and her hand is against his face again.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ Lexa doesn’t even know what she’s apologising for but she means it.

 

Clarke relaxes and steps away from her desk. ‘You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Lexa. See you around, Caelum.’

 

With that, both she and Silva disappear from her office in silence.

 

***

 

‘She seems very sad.’ Caelum speaks softly from Lexa’s lap, settling there and just feeling Lexa near her. ‘It’s like you before. Maybe a hundred times worse?’

 

Lexa takes deep breath and lets her fingers play with Caelum’s feet absentmindedly. She couldn’t remember how she survived their intercision, how she survived after _Costia was—_ ‘Yes. She does.’

 

‘Silva’s awesome though. I’ve never met anyone like him before.’

 

‘Well, you did say he was like me.’

 

‘He’s special.’ Caelum says this as if she won the argument.

 

‘You’re kind of special too, Cal.’

 

‘You’re supposed to say that, I am you.’ Caelum once told her that _‘validating my awesomeness only validates yours so shut it’_.

 

‘Well, yes. You get my point.’

 

There’s a beat of silence, then something Lexa couldn’t say and probably will never say until Caelum says it out loud.

 

‘Clarke’s beautiful.’

 

‘I have been gifted the sense of sight too, Cal.’

 

‘I want to go see Silva again. Maybe see Clarke’s eyes as well.’

 

Lexa could say there is something surprising about the fact that Caelum’s attachment to both of them but then again, Lexa feels it too.  

 

‘How about we wait for tomorrow? We don’t want to seem desperate.’

 

‘Lexa, we are desperate.’

 

***

 

Clarke’s office is on the second floor and as per Caelum’s multiple suggestions, they have visited a few times. Lexa could feel that Clarke’s guard is still up but she doesn’t push her about anything.

 

They are enjoying their tea time while Silva and Caelum chat and people-watch.

 

Lexa breaks the silence that has been going on for five minutes. ‘What do you do, Clarke?’

 

Clarke looks at her as if she just asked if Clarke were an alien. With a shake of her head, Clarke replies, ‘Wait for people to mess up and then come in to fix their mess. You?’

 

Lexa counters with the generalisation of her work. ‘Well, I make sure people don’t mess up.’

 

Clarke relaxes a little, trying to figure out what to say next. ‘So we’re natural enemies?’

 

‘Seems so. Too bad, I’ve become rather fond of you.’ They have spoken exactly four times and Lexa is not lying. She also wants to pour the very hot tea all over herself. ‘I mean, Caelum seems smitten with Silva.’

 

Clarke, of course, cannot quickly make up words to answer that. She sips her tea quietly for a moment then Lexa sees her smirk while saying, ‘Caelum, huh.’

 

That is the moment Lexa decides it is futile to deny anything. If Caelum were by her side, she could have lied her way through it but she and Silva are both busy judging people’s outfits and coffee orders.  ‘She doesn’t want me to seem too forward.’

 

‘I think the word desperate was thrown there somehow.’

 

‘Damn, Caelum told Silva?’

 

‘Yeah, then Silva let it slip. Caelum’s really cute.’

 

‘She’s a real hoot.’

 

Clarke smiles wider at the pun. She puts down her tea and captures Lexa’s attention with her baby blue eyes. ‘You’re adorable, too. I’d say yes if you asked me to dinner.’

 

Lexa isn’t really expecting her current situation but she couldn’t have done better without Caelum’s help. It’s not skill, it’s luck. ‘Okay,’ she says to Clarke.  

 

She looks at Lexa expectantly, her smile makes her entire being glow and negate all the sadness that she emanated when Lexa first went into the room.

 

Lexa stands while not breaking their eye contact as she says with a straight face, with all the strength in her body, ‘I’ll ask tomorrow. So we have a reason to see you.’

 

Clarke laughs and the wondrous sound of her laughter interrupts Silva and Caelum’s discussion and it fills the hollow in Lexa’s chest close to the brim.

 

***

 

Before they left, Clarke kisses Lexa on the cheek and lightly touches Caelum’s beak with her index finger. This causes an extreme reaction in Lexa, as extreme as Clarke knows she would allow herself to show. Her breathing quickens and Clarke notices her swallowing whatever words her brain is rapidly coming up with.

 

‘We’ll see you soon,’ Lexa says hoarsely and a moment later, they’re gone.

 

Silva sits beside her on the couch, all his thoughts floating in the air and messy, waiting to settle on anything concrete.

 

‘Lexa feels okay.’ Silva spoke softly, leaning into Clarke as she pins his nose with the same index finger she touched Caelum with.

 

There’s a murmur of agreement coming from Clarke. ‘It doesn’t hurt to be happy around her.’

 

She noticed that Lexa’s sadness is more subtle, it’s normal, almost like her breathing or blinking. To Clarke, this lets her feel her own sadness without being self-conscious of bringing down everyone around her. She can wallow in her darkness knowing there’s someone with her. That there’s someone else who has survived.

 

‘They’re untethered too, you know.’

 

‘Really?’ From the way they spoke to the way they touched each other, people wouldn’t be able to tell they are separated. ‘It’s not obvious. They’re still so close.’

 

‘So are we, Clarke.’

 

‘But not like before. I’m so sorry, Silva.’

 

Their intercision is her fault, because she wasn’t strong enough when Wells died and when Finn left and when her Dad died. She wanted to die but instead she tore away a part of herself.

 

‘It’s not your fault, Clarke. Don’t apologise for surviving.’ Silva nestles close into her, feeling her sadness sinking back from the surface. ‘We’ll see Cal and Lexa again tomorrow. That’ll be good.’

 

‘Thanks, Silva.’

 

***

 

Lexa’s back hurts as she has already stayed behind in the office five hours more than she had to. Caelum is restless as everything outside has gone dark and the night sky has replaced the view from earlier in the day.

 

‘Few more minutes, Cal, then we can go home and watch your show.’ Lexa quickly signs off on several reports and submissions she was given to clear by today. ‘I can’t believe I’m rushing home to watch March of the Penguins.’

 

‘Well, if you’d act more like a civilised person, you’d get a DVR and we won’t have to miss any more shows.’

 

‘You mean, more bird related documentaries right?’

 

‘Says the one who watches too many spy movies.’

 

Lexa shrugs at this. ‘I know what I like.’

 

After Lexa releases the last report, Caelum clings on her left arm and they make their way to Lexa’s car.

 

‘Do you think they’ve gone home?’ Caelum asks Lexa.

 

Lexa doesn’t ask who or what, she knows who Caelum means. ‘Probably. It’s really late.’

 

‘They’re not used to being untethered.’

 

‘I don’t think anyone will ever get used to that.’ Lexa presses the lift button for the basement garage. ‘I’m really lucky I still have you.’

 

‘Don’t ever forget that, Woods.’

 

‘I will never.’ She caresses Caelum’s head and teases at her ears. ‘Clarke’s pretty great, right?’

 

‘Silva too. I might have misspoken when I said he was like you.’

 

‘He’s way grumpier.’ Lexa says, chuckling.

 

Caelum gives her a disapproving hoot. ‘You’re one to talk. Remember when you wouldn’t talk to anyone after we were first separated? You were practically catatonic.’  

 

‘It’s all in the past.’ Lexa can confidently say this now, because when she felt Clarke touch Caelum earlier, it was as if she was getting a second chance at life.

 

‘Do you think that’s what draws you to Clarke?’

 

Lexa shakes her head. ‘Not her sadness. The glimmers of light I’ve seen. Her hidden warmth.’ They have spoken exactly four times and Lexa is sure.

 

When they reach her car, Caelum expertly flies into the passenger seat customised with an egg chair for her. Lexa puts on her seatbelt and starts the car. They are going home.

 

‘Yours is returning as well. I can’t wait for tomorrow. ’

 

‘Me too.’

 

***

 

As soon as Lexa opens the door into Clarke’s office, Caelum flies in and proclaims into the room loudly, ‘I have to ask you out to dinner. Lexa is unable to get her head straight. Well, you know what I mean. She literally cannot form words.’

 

‘Cal, come on. Get down.’ Lexa apologetically looks at Clarke then at Silva, both looking back with glee in their eyes.

 

Caelum lands on the couch near Silva and Clarke. Their proximity makes Lexa slightly nervous.

 

‘Hello to you too, Caelum.’ Clarke turns to face Lexa with a wide smile. ‘Hi, Lexa.’

 

‘Anyone mess up today?’

 

‘Shouldn’t I be asking you that?’

 

‘None from my side.’

 

‘That means I’ll have a few boring days coming.’ After Clarke says this, Caelum and Silva lift their eyes at Lexa, eagerly waiting for her reply.

 

‘I see.’ All three of them seem disappointed by Lexa’s answer.

 

‘That means I’ll be free, Lexa.’ Clarke is definitely leading her into something but she has not caught up yet.

 

‘I got that.’

 

Clarke laughs and exchanges incredulous looks with Caelum and Silva. ‘Do you really not know what I mean or are you just pretending?’

 

‘She’s an idiot,’ Caelum mutters with mild loathing.

 

‘Agreed,’ Silva drawls slowly, pity evident in his eyes.

 

‘Hey.’ Lexa sighs and relaxes, because she definitely knew what Clarke meant. She just isn’t sure she knows what it’ll mean in the future. ‘Did you want me to ask you out?’

 

‘I wanted you to ask me out yesterday.’

 

‘I wrote something down.’ There is a bit of stammering and Lexa is not proud of it but she’s managing. It’s going well, better than all the other times she’s tried to say the words out loud. ‘You know, what I wanted to say when I ask you.’

 

Clarke smiles at her, it isn’t sad, it’s a smile full of happiness and contentment. ‘You don’t need notes.’

 

‘She does.’ Caelum comments haughtily, ruffling her feathers, her eyes rolling at Lexa.

 

‘She really does.’ Silva seconded softly.

 

Clarke chuckles, she _chuckles_ and asks their daemons to leave them for a while. ‘Don’t go too far, okay?’

 

‘Clarke…’ Silva isn’t too eager to leave Clarke alone and Lexa completely sympathises with the feeling.

 

‘I’ll be fine.’ Clarke closes her office but not before she grazing Caelum’s head with her fingers and nuzzling Silva’s neck.

 

‘I’m sorry for that. Caelum’s irresistible.’

 

She sits opposite Lexa, as calm and relaxed as she has ever been without Silva next her. Lexa, on the other hand, is still not over the fact that Clarke has touched Caelum twice, something no one has ever done except for herself.

 

‘Before, anything else. I would like to tell you what happened, how Cal and I became untethered…’ She trails off, distracted by the concerned look on Clarke’s face.

 

‘Lexa, you don’t have to do that.’

 

She closed her eyes, breathes in, breathes out, repeats it two more times before looking at Clarke again.

 

‘I want to tell you.’

 

Another deep breath follows.

 

‘No, I can do it. I’m fine.’ She does her breathing exercises again as she makes sure she’s calm enough to tell Clarke everything properly. ‘I just… I haven’t talked about it in a long time.’

 

‘You can say whatever you’re comfortable with.’ That sounds like something her therapist used to say. ‘You don’t even have to say anything.’ Clarke reassures her kindly, holding her hands gently into her own.

 

Lexa doesn’t want Clarke to see her sad but she can’t help it. Her sadness is surfacing and she knows it is like rain, soaking everything in its path, there’s nothing that could be done to avoid it.

 

‘I lost someone very important to me. Her name was Costia. She was all I had. I had no other family and relatives. She was my best friend. After she was gone, I retreated into myself. Didn’t talk to _anyone_ in months. Drowned myself in my work. Then, one day Cal was just missing from my side. I couldn’t find her anywhere.’ Lexa isn’t crying, she has never been a crier but everything she has kept silent for years now is bubbling onto the surface.

 

‘All I felt was empty and then I found Caelum in Costia’s favourite room, unable to leave. It was as if someone was ripping my body apart. I have never known pain like that before.’

 

Clarke moves to sit beside Lexa, taking her hand, leaning her head into her shoulder. ‘It’s okay, Lexa. You’re okay now.’

 

Lexa knows she’s far from okay and that Clarke is too but somehow, being not okay together, going in and out of sadness together, knowing and understanding very well what the other is feeling, that feels okay.

 

***

 

Out on their short walkabout, Caelum hovers near Silva as they creep on several other employees in the building.

 

‘Caelum.’ Silva stops prowling to call her out. ‘I think we’ll be friends for a long time.’

 

‘I know.’ Caelum feels it. She’s sure Silva can feel it too. ‘You’re going to be stuck with us for a little while.’

 

‘Clarke and I would really like that.’

 

***

 

After watching the Life of Birds on Lexa’s TV, Caelum and Silva are passed out next to them. Caelum on Clarke’s lap and Silva burrowing himself to Lexa’s side.

 

The loading screen is taking a little longer to buffer when Lexa asks Clarke a question.

 

‘Do you believe in soulmates?’

 

Clarke sulks before softly and pointedly saying, ‘No. I don’t. I believe that crap is fucking bullshit.’

 

‘Whoa. Alright.’

 

‘I want to be happy with the person I love, right here, right now.’

 

Lexa decides it’s probably best not to say anything. This clearly has touched a nerve with Clarke. She has not been this talkative they were discussing who could outdrink who.

 

‘I mean it. I have no use in the knowledge that we loved each other many lifetimes ago or that we’ll love each other infinite times in the future.’

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and Lexa offers a small smile, asking her to go on.

 

‘I want to be fucking happy with you and if somehow, we don’t end up together in this lifetime, I don’t want to be consoled by knowing we were happy or we would be happy.’

 

Lexa is hoping her tone stays soft because she’s not sure she can handle the teasing that will come from Caelum and Silva if they heard this.

 

‘I’m really happy right now, next to you. I won’t let anyone mess it up otherwise. To hell with anyone who tries to take our happiness.’

 

‘You’re really hot when you swear.’

 

Clarke grabs her nose and pinches it hard. ‘That’s what you got from what I said? I just trashed the idea of soulmates for you.’

 

Lexa takes her hand and kisses her knuckles. ‘I also heard that you’re happy. That means I make you happy.  And that, in turn, makes me _really_ happy.’

 

‘Is that enough?’

 

‘I don’t know, Clarke.’

 

‘Well, that’s reassuring.’

 

‘All I can assure you of, is that I will do my best to make you happy. For as long as I can. For as long as you let me.’

 

This silences Clarke, her expression unreadable but she keeps her eyes on Lexa. She knows Clarke hasn’t let herself be this happy for the longest time.

 

‘The word happy has suddenly lost its meaning.’ Clarke’s voice is soft and quiet.

 

The hollow in her chest is still there, it’s deep and still very real. But that gives her space for so many good things she wants to fill it with.  

 

   
Lexa looks at Silva, at Caelum and then at Clarke. ‘That’s not true. My happiness is right here.’  

**Author's Note:**

> this is just me processing clexa, i love soulmate aus very much.  
> thanks for reading!
> 
> extra special shoutout to my friend, j, for looking over this one. thank you and sorry for pulling the trigger on this one so quickly. ^^
> 
> ps. i hope you've also read the fic that inspired this one, it is fantastic.  
> let's hope there are more clexa daemon aus in our future.


End file.
